I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
