The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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