Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
