i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
