Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
