Umm I'm too high to move.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
