When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
