I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
