gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
