he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He passed out mid-signature
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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