just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
