she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
