3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
why do cheetos always look like penises
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
