ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
