Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
