we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
