I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
