You smell like a Billy Joel song
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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