she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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