Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
