I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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