I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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