Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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