I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Boobs are out for the taking
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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