I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
