i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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