my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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