it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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