Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
