Pregnant stripper...not hot.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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