Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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