His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
