I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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