Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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