On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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