so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
