I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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