The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
