you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
