you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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