who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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