Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
