Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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