Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
