Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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