i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
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The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.