I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.