I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You took a bar mat shot.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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