some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you're hired as official boob wrangler
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
