oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
