you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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