I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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