Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
