When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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