Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
