She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
